Belong to Yourself

Saturday was a bad day. It started out pretty good, I woke up early so I could work before my family got up, I knew we were going to have a day of working on the yard and I was looking forward to it. We hadn’t had a weekend home all together for over two weeks.

Things were going well and then my 4 year old lost his mind over something trivial. This is not unusual, 4 year olds lose their shit often, I think it’s because of the lacking in the prefrontal cortex. Until that baby is wired, nothing is really logical which results in fanatical escapades about small things like socks and where a hot wheel has made it off too. He spat at me in anger, I promptly put him in time out. More crying, more yelling, I was just trying to get through it.

In spite of the craziness, I was able to maintain my cool. Husband and said 4 year old went out while I was on dance duty. My 7 year old asked if I could put stickers on her nails, I said I would love to when we got back from dance. What happened next was a flurry of rage, screaming at the top of her lungs and lunging at me with ferocious anger. Again, I managed to stay calm …until I couldn’t.

She screamed at me for 15 minutes. Once she started throwing things I picked her up and put her in her room, letting her know that her behaviour made me feel unsafe and was unacceptable. She screamed something and I slammed my door so hard I broke a portion of the door. This finally made her stop screaming and I sat on the floor, crushed. I had lost my temper (again) and the guilt…ooooh that mother guilt, it’s thick, juicy and palpable. It sits right on your heart like an anvil and crushes your throat, making it difficult to breathe.

We hugged, forgave, made up…then to dance.

I got home, my husband was working wordlessly in the yard. I tried to strike up conversation and he told me to fuck off.

Crushed again.

Yet, still staying calm because I’m the one out of all four of us that can manage their feelings best but when I get overwhelmed, the whole facade falls apart. Apparently as a mother I don’t have the right to lose my shit and when I do…I’m failing. What a load of bullshit.

I work in the yard, physical labour often helps move energy although this time, it didn’t really work.

I abandon ship, taking my dog for a walk and listening to a song from 1999, the time when I was moving away from being someone’s daughter and before I was anyone’s mother or wife.

The time when I belonged to myself.

My twenties. The last time I really, truly belonged to just me. There is such a longing to feel this way again, it’s a deep ache, right under the anvil of mother guilt on my chest and it is tender to the touch.

I believe it is what we really mean when we are talking about ‘self-care.’

So then the question that is begging to be asked is how can I, as a wife and mother, belong to myself?

I look at my planner and my goals for the day are 20 minutes with each kid and 20 minutes with my husband so everyone feels connected and taken care of. I had somehow missed out the 20 minutes with myself…20 minutes not doing anything for anyone else.

Therefore, I’ve decided I can belong to myself with a daily practice of solitude. Quiet solitude is what I am really wanting. Maybe via meditation, maybe walking, maybe lying in the middle of the floor…but it has become clear to me that this is crucial if I’m going to get out alive, and honestly not just alive, but vital, happy, fulfilled, and free. I want my cup so full and I have so much to give that it spills forth freely, with ease and grace. So I MUST practice belonging to myself, it is imperative.

And maybe get a pair of earplugs.

 

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Missing

How long have I been running from you?

the pounding of my heart,

the dampness of my thighs.

How long have I neglected you?

Fearful of your whispers

your longing

your insatiable desire.

Really I am like the rest of you,

a tyrant in sheep’s clothing,

a hunter cloaked in a façade.

As I pick up speed,

The forest crashes under my feet.

Branches scratching at my skin,

Tearing at my hair,

Bloodying my body.

It is here in this cathedral

I am seeking punishment,

I am seeking to be free.

I hear myself panting

breathless

Trying to escape the shame

the guilt

that isn’t even mine.

 

That’s how I went missing.

Queen

I yearn for you to look at me with hunger

to crush my ruby red mouth, swollen by your kisses.

I want you to be drunk in my beauty

intoxicated by my scent and taste.

I want to hear of the lifetimes you have traveled to be by my side

To find me with my crown, clasped in my bloodied hand

My crown encrusted with jeweled secrets, heavy with burden

So easy for you to hold.

Do you hear me calling you across the generations?

To match my quick wit and clever mind

To conquer my body, my sovereign nation

To captivate my heart and rule by my side?

Hear my call O’ King

come and awaken what has been sleeping

Hold me as I rise and claim my rightful place as Queen.

Yoga – Radiate

Radiate: to expand from a central point.

All beings are comprised of energy which is neither created nor destroyed. We radiate what is in our minds and in our hearts. As we begin to lead from love, what we radiate changes the consciousness of those around us.

NEW for iOS 10!! Yoga Stickers in the App Store for your iPhone Messenger.

Check them out here:

There are 3 different sets, 12 stickers in each set. Enjoy!

yoga-radiate
We have made these stickers with the intention of spreading play, joy and beauty. They are an expression of two creative minds who stay at home, raise kids and are always aspiring to make the world a better place through art, right thinking, right loving and right doing. Enjoy!

Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu
May all beings be happy and free

Yoga – Reveal

Yoga – Reveal

Reveal: to unmask or unveil though the work of divine inspiration.

 

yoga-reveal

 

https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/yoga-reveal/id1153081495?mt=8

These beautiful stickers are a collaboration between myself and a great friend. We are both stay-at-home parents who are looking to spread love, joy, and beauty through art and mindful living. There are 12 in one set and there are three different sets available: Reveal, Radiate and Transcend. These are currently available in the app store for purchase, they are 0.99 and are perfect to add some beauty to your texts.

peekabo

IMG_20160301_151615

peekabo

I see you.

the owl winks, his eyes knowing

the whispers of the moon.

feel his wings

create the wind of my heart,

the heart that pulses

with the blood of all nations.

Sometimes I am a supernova

exploding into the darkness and silence of

the night sky.

And sometimes I am the mystery

that calls you in.

Crawl inside my divine opening

and I will meet you there

with a warm embrace.

Crawl inside my divine opening

and I’ll take you on a journey

to another place.

 

Cindy Stockdale